Digi Snacks

My boy RZA was in town to promote his new album "Digi Snacks", doing a show at the Showbox Sodo in Seattle. Most will recall RZA as a founding member of the infamous Wu-Tang Clan. He was also in the movie "American Gangster" and has done soundtrack work for movies such as "Ghost Dog".

My ears are still ringing! The show began with some very wack presentation from a group called The Saturday Knights. Solomon Childs came next, blazing with a few solo joints. He was soon followed by a new Wu affiliate group called Stone Mecca. They were amazing to say the least, reminding me of neo soul group The Brand New Heavies. Later, they backed up RZA instrumentally and with background vocals.

RZA sounded like he just jumped out of the CD and onto the stage. He did an assortment of songs from his new album as well as familiar verses from other collaborations like Gravediggaz.

Check out the pics. I was right up next to the stage!

The Sword

Long ago, people thought of places and things as sacred and pure. They believed that there was such a thing as honor and fought hard to protect it. Today it is much the opposite, where there is no shame at in all in the things we do. This is sad, for I have heard somewhere that if shame does not exist in the people then the people will do anything and everything that is dishonorable.

I yearn for honor and for discipline, and I suppose I am not as successful as I would like to be at either one. Yet, I strive. A few days ago I purchased an authentic samurai sword. The reason being that I wanted to have something that felt sacred to me, so that I can show the Lord my faith. It is but a symbol; an extension of the same sword I hold in my mind...sort of the physical representation.

The mind is the sword. I believe this means that the mind is the most potent of weapons, and must be sharpened in the conflicts of life. Visualize the sword in your own mind, and be filled with strength and determination!

My Shoes/Your Shoes

I believe in newness and the future. I believe in redemption. I believe in the power of the human spirit. I believe in love...and within God, we find the most love of all.

Today I am pensive, reflecting on things that I cannot change, nor want to. I believe it is good to do this ever so often, that we can truly say to ourselves that we are better for the choices we have made...as long as God is at the forefront.

Sometimes I believe that my fear ruled many of my decisions. Other times, it has been the wisdom of my years that lent me understanding and foresight. But even more often, God has stepped in and granted me a reprieve in order that I learn a valuable lesson.

Someone asked me a while ago if I ever regretted anything in my life. I said no, yet that was not entirely true. I do regret some things, yet I was fortunate that in those situations, I became a better person. The person I am today. And I love myself still, despite all that I have done. I cannot say that I can regret a thing that has given me valuable tools to use in my life and to pass on to those in my bloodline. Rather written or oral, this lessons are indeed purposeful and can serve to make others better. I know I am better for it.

It is also key that people make their own mistakes. I have made quite a few, and I am not angry about it at all. I realize in my most recent dilemma, I had reached a point where I felt completely hopeless. I can't hope to convey to anyone the dismay I felt, but I am thankful that I was able to go beyond it and find my way to God again. We all play the clown now and again...it was just that my turn had come.

No one can tell me that I am a bad person. I will not allow anyone to look at me cross, thinking that I have done such irreparable damage that I should be ashamed. No one is aware of the pain I have felt, nor could I tell anyone exactly how it held me prisoner for so long. But now that I am free, I want all to know that I am fine and my mind is with God. I will still stumble along the way, but the foundation is set. I am ready to move towards my goals. All of them.

It does not matter what anyone else thinks. God is my only judge. I will walk squarely away from anyone that assumes they know my plight. NO one knows. But if you would like to walk through the darkness with me, I will hold your hand, so you would know of my misery. You may be surprised to learn that I am no different than yourself.

God be with you all. My love extends to each and every person of God. I am but a man, think of me as such, and remember the shoes we wear differ.

The Last Supper Club

Gene and I usually hit the town up on a regular, just to break the mundane routine, dig? We work pretty long hours and it's hard to unwind when you're tired most of the time. I guess all work and no play makes Jack a pretty dull kid, right. So it's been cool getting to hang out and make new friends, while not having to sacrifice any morals. Don't wanna lose my religion out there, right?

The joint was pretty packed and we were able to get in for free...seems that Gene always knows somebody in these places, and it turns out damn cool to grab a couple drinks and not be totally wasted trying to go home. I don't drink much at all.

The Last Supper is a split level club with bars on each floor, and 2 VIP lounges. We aren't exactly VIP, but we never pay either. There is techno/house mix up top and hip-hop below. It's cool to watch folks wild out and have fun. Last night this girl Gene knew just passed out in the street. Needless to say she was lit up like a Christmas tree. The girl was gone, and I said, "Dude, ya girl just passed out in the street!", to which Gene replied, "She's just like that. She does it all time." made me laugh when he told me he had take her to the hospital before. Brutality.

We don't get rowdy. We are some tax paying citizens having fun in the community.

EPMD (Eugene Pieterson, Marcelle Dionne)...We are about customer service, whenever, wherever.

Therefore...

I have been doing well and I can't complain. Keeping myself healthy has been a challenge since I moved into the new place. Hell, seems like I keep getting a cold and my allergies are popping off like the 4th of July. Yet I am alive and God gets the glory.

Yesterday was some crazy stuff. I went to get my phone fixed and upgraded, which turned out to be an upgrade and complete erasure of my contacts. So that meant I had to drive to Marysville to pick up a new monitor to make my computer work. Did that and got back home, to find that I didn't have a power cord for my computer. So I drove to Best Buy to pick that up. Got back home plugged it up, still wouldn't work. Opened it up to check the mother board battery, and it acted like it wanted to come on, but stayed quiet. Checked online for answers on "red light no power" with Google. Said I should replace the battery if it was more than 3 years old. Went to Radio Shack and grabbed a battery. Got back, put the new battery in...still wouldn't work. I prayed to God to help me, because I had no way to get my contact numbers back. The computer needed to work...it had to.

I fiddled around with it for another hour, finally got the power to come on by plugging it in and unplugging it. As I got up to revel in my victory, I stepped on the sharp corner of the computer door and opened a nice hole near my right pinky toe. It bled profusely.

I was tired by then, and I had planned to go work out. But it was nearly nine and I was still bleeding. Dude...

Today wasn't as tough. I am in the theater watching Don't Mess With the Zohan. Scrappy Coco says this...

Therapy, Part Quatro

The greatest thing about today is that there is no fear about anything, anymore. There is no anxiety about the future. There is no questioning the past. There just is...

Everything is everything, and if that is over your head, well, shame on you. I would like to think that as I speak to the doc he has an idea about what he wants to accomplish with my therapy. Just the same, I have an idea about where I want to go with my life. This idea many not always play out as I want, but I try my best to accomplish everything that I can. Today is no different, and tomorrow will be nothing special. I approach them the same: complete and total acquiescence to God's will.

Sometimes you can see the fear coming, but you allow it to wash over you, rushing past like water, flowing by and away. No one has said there won't be fear. To add to that, there is not much we can control in life. Emotions come as they will. Life throws you curve balls that you can't hit. But you can control the way you react to the emotions you have. That is all we can control- everything else belongs to God.

I do regret some things, but I can't change them. So what? I have to live with myself and all that I have done. I am fine with that. My mind remains calm. My thoughts remain on the future and that which I can change. There is no anger. There is no fear. There is just me and my love for God and my family. That's all I need.

Next week is the last session. I think it will be a grand conclusion to an eye opening experience. I am thankful to the Lord for the justice He has given me.

Ministry: the Beginning?

Ultimately the goal should be the betterment of self.

Don't know how many times I've went over this one, but it remains one of my foremost plans of attack. I am starting anew, putting the Lord first because in order to care for a family (when that all comes around) I have to be strong enough to hold everyone else together. I'm glad I got myself right, cause I didn't wanna turn into my uncle...

I am so happy though. I am so hopeful for the future and all the things that will happen. I just decided to start a new blog called "Ministry of Seven", which I will coordinate writing duties with my best friends. The point of this blog will be to create discourse between Christians who are experiencing troubles in their lives that they feel they can't deal with. I know I would have loved some help like this, and I know that my friends and I are very experienced in the hardship department. We all have so much to testify about, that I feel we can give many people so much hope.

I want to try and offer guidance to those that need. This ministry will be comprised of seven individuals that will be the "main" bloggers, but will invite discourse with others. I hope we can get people that will want to be interviewed about their faith and also give testimonials for those people who are not Christians...

I am excited, and I hope this will work out well. It has some potential...great potential.

God bless you all. Thanks for the blessings and support.

Kweli!!!

The concert was on point! Showbox theatre was jumpin', and I was more than pleased with the atmosphere. Reminded me a lot of The Pageant in St. Louis. The stage was not as large, but it was ample room.

The show opened with Grayskul, from Rhymesayers records fam with acts like Atmosphere and Brother Ali. Dope skills.
Then we got hit with Common Market and some chick who could tapdance her ass off! There was another less memorable act, but it was still chilly chill.

Talib came out blazin', and hit us with songs like "Just to Get By" and "Eardrum" from his new album of the same name.

Gene rolled with me, and we had a great time! We gonna try to do it again on the 24th when the Rza is in town! Gonna be live, yo!

New Paths, New Decisions

By following the same beliefs and making the same decisions, one wears Life's path into a circular rut, going nowhere, accomplishing nothing, making no progress. With God's help, though, we can turn a sharp corner in the circle and achieve enlightenment.
-The Cant of the Shariat, Sandworms of Dune

This is what I was worried about in the first place. Even before I got out here, I told myself that I can't repeat the same mistakes, and here I am...

God will make us see the light though. Often we think that God will not be active in our lives, and that he watches us only. Nope. God is living and he ACTS! He will push us towards the right direction, and aid us in making decisions. Although we fancy that we do these things of ourselves, sometimes we are lead towards certain paths...

If you don't believe, think on it a little. You may be surprised what you come up with.
Change your game up, and look for different ways to answer the same questions.

Finishing Touch

Trusting God is a must. Most times we find our trust obstructed by our past or the fear of our future. I know it's possible to be faithful to God and love Him because of who He is, not what He does.

The reason I did what I did was born out of fear. The fear of not being what others expect. The fear of not being able to care for my family the way I need to. That's why I said I wanted to go back to school.

It was the fear of disappointing my family. It was the pain I saw in my mother's eyes before I left home. It is the anguish of knowing I have to travel a road alone, when my people still suffer. And I didn't want her to see me so torn, so beaten, so absolutely at my lowest point that I thought it best that I just left her life forever. Yet, as God has shown, that was not the answer.

My mom told me before I even left for school that she could not afford to send me to college. She said I would have to do it myself. From there I made it a point to not ask her for help. I was on my own.

My mother, God bless, told me that even as she wishes she could give her own mother the world, she knows that she can't. And that's okay, because she does things for her that do her heart fine. My mother told me this, and said she knows I would do what I can for her, but I have to live my life for me, and follow God. It makes me cry to think I was so selfish, but I am not perfect.

I pray for the right decisions, but I still make mistakes. I am human. But this episode will never pass my way again, and I am glad I finally get it. I can't live in a cage of fear hoping to be free. I was free when God came into my life. This has been a hard fought lesson, but I am glad it occurred. I am still hoping for a chance, but I know there is no promise. I am prepared for the worst.

When I look in the mirror, I see a man who, despite the chips being stacked against him, has triumphed over adversity. Through racism, through poverty, I overcame all. Still, I became that fear that I thought I had left behind, and I felt the sting of the stress it brought.

Now, I have to be about my Father's business, and try to remain focused. I can say with absolute truth and honesty, this will be the last and only time I go through this. It is finished. And God saved me from myself, yet again, and I am ecstatic that He remains by my side. He has done amazing things, worked miracles in my life, and I know I will do my best to become the man I know I can be.

Elite Dinner

Seems my new branch made #1 this month, so I found myself back at the awards dinner. Everyone was so cool and just excited for the upcoming months.

I got a chance to speak with Raj Vhan, who is the loss prevention manager for our group. He asked me about East St. Louis and why I left, and I was more than happy to tell him that it is pretty much a place that brings you down, that will destroy your sense of worth. But what got me was his knowledge of what goes on in the minds of folks in the inner city. He knew about Darius Miles, NBA hopeful, who had pretty much screwed his chances because of hanging with his boys and getting into trouble. Darius was known to frequent clubs in E. Saint.

He knew about the racism, the wildly subtle undercurrent and how it cripples your chances of getting ahead. I was so excited that someone actually knew what I had been saying for years. He has validated the same thoughts I have had for years. That was real talk. I want to talk to him about it more...

Uncle Said

Getting so much closer. I believe that my last session put me on solid ground, and I have 2 more left. Even better, my uncle called me today, and made me feel extraordinary.

Uncle Said is a former criminal trying to live a decent life for himself. I admire him still, because out of all my uncles, he has always been closer to my heart and more apt to give advice on life. Not only that, we share the same birthday, him being exactly 14 years older. A lot of times I think he regrets not being able to give me the tutelage I needed growing up in a rough neighborhood. That's not his fault, that responsibility lay with my father. And it's too far gone now to hold any grudges or claim that I didn't get enough of anything. I am who I am now, and in order for me to progress, I must surmount the past that has, up until this point, held me in shackles.

He asked if I was alright, and I told him the truth. "No." I gave him the spiel about the breakup, and he understood. He was more for moving on and just chalking it all up, but he knew that was not in my mind at all. Soon he was sympathetic, and said that he has been in love numerous times, and yet he knew who he was. He knew that beyond any woman he was still quite a catch, still confident that love would find him again.

He was less forgiving about the fact I was in therapy. Sounded crazy to him, I imagine, but we're talking about a man who's been married three times himself. Excuse me if I dismiss his objections about my own solutions to problems. One thing I do agree with him on is the fact that I am, without a doubt, an anomaly. I am a commodity. He said I am poised for nothing but success.

I say this because for one, I am well educated. Secondly, I have no children. I am intelligent and good looking enough to pass for a man that's 6 years younger. Last, but not least, I am a black man with no criminal record. I'm so rare you could auction me off to the highest bidder.

But that's the potential for excellence. In my mind, I am, and will always be, more than the sum of my experiences. There is an account for what's in my heart. I am a good man, a good son, a good brother. I revere God, and I pray for the salvation of others. I have come from the bottom, only to rise to the top. I am proud of that.
As a man, there are only two questions I have to worry about next: Where am I going? Who's coming with me?

We talked some about a new business venture he's come up with. This dude wants me to build him a website for a clothing business he's thought up. That's fine and dandy, but he also gave me a year to think about moving back to Cleveland. Yeah right. I hate Cleveland.

Life goes in circles. You never know who you may see again. And then, there are others you pray to never cross your path again in life or death. Uncle Said knows that I love and respect him, so I will do as he asks, but as for advice on love, I'll skip that one. He really has a lot of experience, but it seems that he continues with the same mistakes. My circle is broken now. I have to move forward knowing I can never make the mistake I made ever again, with whomever I may be with.

God bless, y'all.

Nigger

The word itself originates from the word "negro", which is spanish for "black".

This word finds itself in the forefront of American pop culture, and still carries with it mixed feelings of hatred and injustice. It was a word used by slave masters to demean African peoples, and therefore second hand used by us to communicate who we were. They knew the word, and how it was said made all the difference. It's the tone, I suppose, that put fear in a slave's heart. Nigga..nigger...nigra.

My nigga. Look at that nigga. Stupid nigga.

The word can cause alarm now, or be used as a term of endearment. The puerto rican peoples use the word in that manner. It's just not ok for whites to use it, due to all the years it has carried a negative connotation when they did use it.

The details are complex. But in most cases, it's better left unsaid.

That Anger Will Be Your Undoing...

Exodus 32:12


12 Why should the Egyptians say, 'It was with evil intent that he brought them out, to kill them in the mountains and to wipe them off the face of the earth'? Turn from your fierce anger; relent and do not bring disaster on your people.

The Egyptians feared the power of the God of Israel. They told the people of Israel that their God would bring disaster upon them.

Foolishness. Out of their own anger, the Egyptians tried to deprive the Israelites of their God, and their freedom. Truth is that anger will always be a barrier to freedom.
You see, Moses might have been angry at the Egyptians from doing such, but God asked him to turn from that anger, and instead embrace and love the people in order to move them out of their situation.

We all have anger welling up, and it will hide the truth from us. It creates a barrier between us and God. Your unwillingness to forgive will cause you sorrow. Especially if you take communion without forgiveness in your heart, you bring disaster upon yourself. That means you cannot be one with God when you have not forgiven those who have hurt you. Most people don't know that, but it's biblical.

"Take heed to the words that I manifest!" - GangStarr

Power

Right now the power is out, and I see this as a metaphor for my life.

Power comes in many ways; money, influence, fear. These of course are false types of power. That kind of power will always fail, leading to disappointment and pain.

Real power comes in the ability to view a situation objectively, so that victory and failure become imposters: two sides of the same coin. God knows that even in defeat there is victory and vice versa.

Though I stumble, man watch me become greater than ever. I still see with the same eyes, yet my view has changed. Nothing will keep me from my goal.

People don't know the strength I wield. Even I am in awe of it. It comes though. It comes bursting forth like water through a ruptured dam. God be praised.

I am looking forward to church on Sunday. I am going to join and offer my help in any way I can. I have to attend the 5pm service but that's alright. God be praised.

The power is out in my immediate vicinity, but the power within burns bright like a lighthouse beacon. Let the path be made clear to reveal God's steps. Thank you, Lord.

Prayers go out to my family and friends. Thank you as well. You know I suffer out here alone, but you are with me. Thanks for being there when I call.

Psalm 10:1-7

Psalm 10
1 [a]Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises.

3 He boasts of the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD.

4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.

5 His ways are always prosperous;
he is haughty and your laws are far from him;
he sneers at all his enemies.

6 He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me;
I'll always be happy and never have trouble."

7 His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats;
trouble and evil are under his tongue.

Seems that the wicked feel as if they shouldn't be accountable for their sins. Well, we all know there is a time for that. We will all be held accountable. Many of us wonder why we, the followers of Christ, are made to suffer so while the wicked hold high positions, influencing people in ways that are detrimental to their livelihood.

I know that there is a plan for all. God does not promise us a life without suffering, but He does promise that He will care for us. I know that he cares for me, because I am able to move about this world without worry, having the feeling in my heart that God cares for me. He shows me everyday, through the people I see and talk to, to the job I have, to my parents and my beloved friends.

I don't have it all together. No one does. I will be successful in all I do, and I will triumph when those who left me behind wanted me to fail. I realize I don't have true enemies, but people who are trapped in the darkness just like I was, scared and too obstinate to believe that they could ever be wrong about anything in life.

When reading that last sentence you may thing that I am being a hypocrite, like I believe I am always right. Never, but I do know what is right. We find evil everyday in every crevice, on any street and any room. It's there, and we can't hide from it. But we can dispel the evil inclinations that arrive when are minds are left lying open for the enemy to step in and take over.

Follow the Lord, and speak with Him daily. He will direct your path, and seal the goodness of your ways. He will give you healing, just as He did me. Though I am no saint, I will say that I am purposeful in my intentions to be a good and caring Christian. Although goodness is by no means a thermometer for a better life. God is the gauge. Trust in Him.

And now for something completely different...

Time to move on. It's time to take a perspective of triumph. No can say they have the same struggles, but some should be able to give benefit of the doubt.

I been through too much to walk backwards ever again. Forwards always. Bible study will now follow daily.

I succeeded just by getting up this morning.

Just know there is a deadline.

After that, everything is undone. I walk like a man. May God show us grace and mercy all of our days.

24-Hour Fitness

I went to a 24-Hour Fitness location that wasn't open 24 hours. WTF?

Psalm 40: My Trust in the Lord!!!

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced [b] , [c] ;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll. [d]

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

Breaking Down the Wall

I am glad that I have friends. Friends that I know won't desert me when I am down. I called Antione a few days ago and left him a message about my current situation, and he got back to me today. It's interesting that when we come together in conversation we always end up with new perspectives and insight into who God really is.

"God is obligated to help us, because we are his children," Antione said. "He takes care of us just like any other parent." True, though some of us will continually doubt His presence or blame His goodness on chance. This is because there is and always will be evil in this world. Unfortunately, that is how the balance is maintained. Without one, there would be no reason for the other.

Antione spoke to me about the time he had to trust God to move to Maryland. I had not heard him speak on this much before, but it was a marvelous example of who and what God is for us all. He had to go to Philly for an interview, but he had no place to stay, no money for a flight...yet God provided all. People who knew him and the person he was gave him money to go. Our mutual friend Jeri, who was staying in Philly at the time, even lent him her car while he was there. During that time he was also involved in a retail theft charge, and the State of Illinois wanted to keep him from leaving unless he paid his fine for the theft. He didn't have the money, but his friend Adam sent it to him, no questions asked. God provided a way, though he was thwarted at each step.

Trusting what God can do, and what He has for us in the future can be hard. I came out here to the Northwest in order to find a better life for myself. I had no place to stay, limited money and no job. I just came out here believing where I needed to be, and what I wanted out of my life. And God worked a miracle for me. You will read all of these posts and find that something will stir a familiarity in your soul. Somethings will be so similar that you will want to ask me how I overcame it. Yet with God, all things are possible.

Antione has been struggling, just as I have. He has trouble with finances, feeling motivated to study the Word and just issues of inadequacy when it comes to providing for the family he has. I feel for him, and we both know the pain of being alone in our minds, hiding behind pride so that the devil can slip in a take what has been established. We both have mothers with diabetes, which makes us scared and vulnerable when we can't be around. Not to say that everyone has not gone through this, but we all deal differently. I cannot say that something that may seem trivial to me won't be excruciatingly painful for you. We are all different. But it helps when someone can relate to your troubles, and help you along.

Hiding being your pain is always the wrong thing to do. We must go to others to deal with the problems we face. To be a success, we can't give up. We can't call it quits just because the going got tough. I was selfish, yes, but there are lessons that are totally invaluable to be learned here. I find my way, with the Lord by my side, every day.

My friends and I are the "breaks" in our bloodline, as Antione so eloquently puts it. Honestly, we all stand out like like sore thumbs in our families, so unlike everyone that we seem as if we don't belong. Just like Abraham, we were chosen to begin something new, and prosper in new lands.