The Life of Choices

Making the right choices in life can often be a confusing thing. Seems
we have so many distractions and influences that even a simple decision
as to what to eat might become a tad frustrating. How do we know what
decisions are the right ones? How can we be sure that we are making
monumental mistakes?

Checking our choices and lining them up with God's word will eliminate
that frustration. Will the decision harm anyone? Can you be sure that
you can tell people you love and it will be in agreement with them?
Asking questions like these will help. I can definitely say that I have
made many mistakes, and I like to take risks. Yet, often they have been
decisions that God and my family would disagree with.

It's okay to make mistakes, because that's how we learn. Mistakes don't
have to be repeated, though. Take time and be thorough with what you
decide, especially if you know it will influence others. Consult the
Bible and line everything up with what's good and true, and you may be
on your way to happier results and greater benefits.

Love God, love yourself and each other. You can't go wrong.

Help

I am staying with a friend from work until I can leave for Illinois. So, I am in limbo now, figuratively homeless, hoping that God and I can meet the challenge of reshaping my life once again. Many of you know of my struggle, and have at least lent me your prayers. I thank and commend you for being true friends.

Tonight I was thinking it would be a good time to pray and talk with the Lord. It was an easy thought, given the situation. Yet and still, something remarkable happened. First, as I have said many times before, there is no such thing as coincidence. Second, this is just evidence of God's presence. I was feeling really nervous about my future, uncertain I had made the right choice. Skeptical of what had transpired over the past few days and my ultimate position, I reached for God for assurance.

I felt compelled to seek a Bible verse that would be perfect for my situation. Of course, I had no idea which. Psalms came to mind, but there are quite a few of those. Which one to pick? Well, the number 121 immediately came to mind and I pondered, "What would this one say? I bet it will be perfect for me..." True enough, it was right on target. I had no idea what to look for, but the Spirit of God moved me to the right choice because I trusted in Him. Definitely no coincidence here, God is SO good to give me an answer like this.


Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Leaving: The Prodigal Son

"Follow the path that has heart. All roads lead to the same destination, but follow the path that has heart."

I read that yesterday, from a friend reminding me of who I am and where I've been. I recall reading those words years ago, before I left for Washington, in a book entitled The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge. Those aren't the exact words, but they are close enough. I have mentioned this book quite a few times in my writings, because it had a significant impact on me. Seems I've been away for so long and my mind has been on so many things, that I just lose the focus of what it all means. I'm sure we all have episodes such as this.

I regret that I must leave here, putting behind me many wonderful and beautiful situations and experiences. It is shameful to have to do such at this time, but I have no other choice. The unfortunate times that have arisen make for difficult decisions, though I am no stranger to such. I look to God and follow a path that is intended for very few. Many who know God will acknowledge that if you don't listen to what He asks of you, He will make you listen one way or another. The prodigal son will return once more...

This time is of mourning and celebration; of decay and resurrection. I have much to do in the next year and I hope to God that I am able, for I feel some great things welling up in my spirit. I guess I find jubilation in that fact. God is good, you know?

Another friend reminded me that as we continue to do the same thing and expect different results, we should be dubbed insane. Doesn't that sound insane? Believe me, that's the perfect definition. It's time to celebrate the new, and get back to my roots in Illinois. God awaits.

If you are my friends and you read this, maybe you'll laugh. Maybe you'll have a bit of pity on me. Or maybe we won't be friends at all anymore. The only thing that really matters though is God and what He wants of me.


Let me keep this blog going, for real.

Notes to Self (1-4)

Just stumbled across these...I had pretty much forgotten about them. I emailed them to my yahoo account back in February of 08. Since it's an account I don't use too frequently, I haven't checked it since then! Wow. Well, anyways, it's nice to look back at what we have gone through and be amazed at what God has done. Amazing stuff.


1. February 9th, 2008
Most folks don't understand. Sometimes, I believe that I understand, at least partly. Let's just say that in contemplation of the moment and the interim before its realization, I lose a bit of myself. I think it's because I live in my own little dream, thinking that I can surmount any and everything that this life has set as an obstacle. In many ways I know that I can be so much better than I am...but how am I to get there? How can I accomplish the task of making myself a truly more magnificent being?

I have written about this several times, but since I only understand in part, it's like I am grasping at air, hanging from a precipice hundreds of miles up. But it might be possible that I'm never supposed to understand fully, and that the journey towards the understanding is all that matters in this life. Now, I have found the Lord, and I am better for it, but He is still asking me to do something more. This next action is deliberate and will define the rest of my life. This is the truth as I see it. This is where I am confused. This is where that precipice becomes more real and my life seems to be taking a turn for the worse, and all I can do is agonize and worry as my grip slips.

I could be confusing myself. "Life is not an equation to be solved, but a journey to be experienced."


2. February 14th, 2008
Little is here to misinterpret. I see that God loves me, and that there is a balance that must be maintained between the goodness and the sorrow, evil and good. I see God as an impartial ruler, a loving father who is generous to all his creations. I feel that we receive our lots equally, although some experience different levels of joy on this plane of existence. This is why I am not angry at God for what I don't have, but more puzzled as to what to do with that which I claim. Therein lays the confusion...the "little" that I misinterpret.

I cannot follow this world any longer. It seeps in and out of me, like water to the body. The more I try to interpret, the more I try to hold on, the more lost that I become. I should be better than all of this. Alas, I am walking through the darkness.

If there are those who would follow my words, read my writings and wonder about my sanity, don't be mislead. I am quite in control of my mental faculties. My vision may be terrible, and sometimes my short term memory fails me, but that is nothing that belies concern. If there is a time where my children will read these words in order to comprehend my life, I hope that they will understand that I am only trying set myself apart from this world, and impart a legacy.

If I could but teach it all, right here right now, delegating and authorizing the wisdom I possess, I would. Instead, I catalogue my thoughts in disjointed packs, broken and dispersed with little reason. It is virtually mental vomit, but I am aware that it streams and flows consistently. (there is a vivid little picture for you)

Terminus Est- the point of division, the moment of parting, the end of ends...
Come with me while I gather a tale of nothingness, of walks of dread and darkness, of lighted hallows and haunting sunsets. A living, less lively interim of perplexing madness made from life worked in a circle. This is where the end becomes a beginning of sorts, unraveling a man and revealing what God has proclaimed; what God has ordained.


3. February 15th, 2008
In the end, there will be sorrow. Someday, when I find my true path, and I am able to be at peace with this world and my decisions, I still will remember that sorrow always follows. No matter your lot, no matter your fame or possessions, there will be sorrow. I suppose we are made for it. We are built for the worse that this world could bring forth, meant to surmount every obstacle and meet, with dignity, our last day. I believe that we cannot see God for what and who He truly is without embracing the terror of struggle. There will be struggle, there will be change, and it is always constant. To go against this truth is like spitting in God's face. This is why I know that as I embrace some conservative ideas and positions, I must be able to see that flexibility is needed to live peacefully with one another.

I know that Jesus wanted us all to work together. I know He felt that we should be one in mind, and serve God's design. What is most beautiful about that is that no matter if we feel it or not, we all serve God's purpose. Each life impacts another, each person influences another. We share bonds and break them, we laugh and we cry. Our experiences and hardships bring us closer to one another. Until we are able to agree on what and who God is, we will remain separated as the human race.

And quite possibly, even this life, as it is, is what God intends for us. It makes me reach toward Him, knowing each dark day that follows is gonna be bright once again. Longing to see the sun.


4. February 16th, 2008
I wonder a lot about those folks who do not believe in God. By saying this, I mean God in the most general since: a belief in a grand architect, a creator. It puzzles me that we can look at all we have in this life, all that lives and breathes and is beautiful, and not be moved to understand that God is real.

Some people are hindered in their belief because they cannot understand why a good and benevolent being such as our God would allow such suffering and pain in the world. I can answer that quite easily, I think. Or better yet, I can provide a just explanation.

God is good and benevolent, but he gave us free will. This allows us as people to determine our own fate, regardless of what may be supposed about our lives. But the thing about free will is that it reverberates throughout time, touching each and every person, linking us all together like one eternal quilt. We are tied together because the decisions that we make today will determine the world that our children will be brought up in. Thus suffering is but a consequence of free will, the price we must pay for being able to make our own choices. There is no way to eliminate suffering because to do such would be annihilation; total and complete destruction of life on this planet. God allows us to choose to love Him or not. He allows us the opportunity to embrace His light, or travel in the darkness. There will always be suffering, because light cannot exist without dark, or it would have no validity. There are two sides to every coin. This is truth behind belief in God. I find that people are too thick-headed to humble themselves before God. No one wants to admit that they are wrong, and everyone assumes that they have found the answer.

Whateva You Like!

Do you often wonder why people have things you don't? Have you thought that you had been short changed just because you didn't get exactly what you wanted?

We've all been there before. I know I have. When I think like this I recall how good God is, and then I know that He does things; allows them to happen for a reason. Maybe we can't get that new job because there is something even better coming along at the present gig. Sometimes it requires patience, but it is essential to seeing God's plan.

Don't fret about the things you have no control over. It will just guarantee a big stressful headache where you should have peace. God wants the best for us all. Have faith and believe in Him who grants strength to the weak.

The Story of the Baby Bluebird

Here's a little morality story for you. I got this one from the movie My Name is Nobody.

There was a lonely baby blue bird chirping in its nest. It was cold, and the bird was hungry, so he decided to jump out of the nest and try to fly. Well, he wasn't quite able to get his wings to flap just right, and he fell with a "Plop!"

Still hungry and still very cold, the little bird chirped and chirped as loud as he could, until along came a cow who felt really sorry for the baby bird. The cow lifted its tail, and took a huge steaming dump on the bird. Even so, the bird was not cold any longer. All he needed now was some food.

He chirped his little heart out some more until along came a wolf. The wolf heard the bird chirping and took his paws and dug him out of the cow pie. He lifted the little bird up and ate him in one gulp.

MORAL to the story: Everyone who shits on you may not be out to hurt you. And everyone who helps you out of a jam, may not have your best interests at heart.

Secondary MORAL: When you're up to your neck in shit, keep your mouth closed!

Forward

Looking forward, one must be prepared for the unknown. Nearly six months ago I was seemingly at my wits end, wondering if I could possibly become the man that I want to be. I was literally lost within the wake of my choices, trying my best to decipher what it all meant.

Life is so crazy sometimes. One moment we could be angry at the world itself, collapsing inside as what we know to be true comes crashing to smithers. In the next instant, we are just happy to be alive, thanking God that even as we suffer, we are alive.

What I see now is that it is one huge puzzle, a life that we piece together, together, linking our pieces with so many others, helping to create the great experience that is Life. We are connected forever, whether or not we want to be.

God has set in motion such a great chain of events that it would be nigh impossible to unravel the tapestry. But I get it. I understand what transpires and why, and what must happen in order for us to reach the next level. I am no longer afraid of living. I accept commitment. I revere God.

What comes next will shock many, but it is for the best. My mind is at peace and I feel comfortable with my decision. God will take care of the rest.

Y'all be easy, man.

The New Hope Vote

Here we are, much of us crippled with that ever so familiar butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling, on the eve of what will essentially become the most profound historic moment ever: the possible election of a black man to the highest office in the US, and the possibility of a woman as Vice President.

Either way this goes, the shockwaves will be felt throughout the planet, as we make way to reverse the damage to our reputation with other countries that we would normally have strong ties. Our relationships with many of our neighbors are strained, and people in our own country find the government action/inaction appalling and ridiculous to say the least.

I spoke to a soldier, an Obama supporter, and she remarked on how the War in Iraq has gone on too long, now with over 4,000 U.S. troops pushing up daisies, which leaves us with an option to pull out with 2 years. Many desire victory before we withdraw, but with no clear enemy, no face to place on terrorism, we are fighting blind anyway. Terrorism will never be quelled, for those who are willing to throw their lives away for one common cause, make an invincible opponent. They are everywhere...and we can't tell a terrorist from an orthodox sheikh. America is lost in the desire to destroy something we don't understand, and in that sorry ignorance, we may be digging our own graves.

So, be careful to vote for the possibility of peace, but more importantly, vote for what you believe in. My father and I disagree on the candidates, and his reason for voting is a bit of fanaticism in my opinion, but it is his right to choose. That right will be defended at all costs.

Box in Hand

The world waits for angled impressions, ideals with wings and blind morals, and with box in hand, I may wait as well. Heathen masses growl like angry jungle cats, ashamed at everyone else but themselves. I see them following one another like lemmings, each one different but the same, treading through mounds of capitalistic drivel like so much mud. Your thoughts have been subliminally telegraphed to your medulla oblongata via sneaking in the building like burglars as you watch Britney Spears systematically dismantle her life. Box in hand, I briefly misunderstand, is this country suited to the average man? Is this where I make my stand? Is that why I do what most can't, while they do what the can? There are false idols at work, those of flesh and sin, and those we hold close, and covet with a grin.

Box in hand - a gift of promise to share with the world...
A box in my hand, a man, a dream, a conqueror, a thief, a king.
A present for all who talk and scheme,
Open it up and see what I mean.

Excerpt: SOD

When I was getting ready to leave DC, standing in the bus terminal, thinking I had it all figured out to establish a new life and a new career back home, I was just oblivious to the circumstances that would mold a foundation of sorts for my future. My then-girlfriend Angela stood inside the building, her brown eyes teary and sad, not truly wanting me to leave, but knowing deep down there was nothing she could do about it. It was a powerful decision, one that would echo throughout my most significant relationships for years to come. I would become the King of Letting Go, the reluctant ruler of transformational experience. I had ended a four year relationship in order to trace my own path, and it would not be the last.

I had been living with Angela, and she was attending Howard University. I had been, subconsciously jealous of this, and I so much wanted to have a better life and an easier time pushing toward my goal. Yet, it was more likely I would face more adversity in the coming months.

Underestimated

Maybe it's difficult to understand our capacity to underestimate ourselves. Socially we have come to accept the limitations imposed upon us. We dress up in suits and trudge through our 9 to 5 with tunnelvision, just blind enough to miss the life that surrounds us.

I have decided to give myself time to establish a body of work and develop some essential writing skills that will give me perspective. I need to know the true scope of the vision I have for myself. Even as my purpose unfolds, I know that many people think that they have this singular goal for their lives that will define them and make their lives meaningful...alas, you will be disappointed.

You are inside the meaning. Here and now you serve your purpose by just being. It is when you live in the past that you lose that definition, and become spiritually stagnant. Your past is dead, and to feed on it means death to your spirit.

In my book, I do expound upon this much more, but this is just a bit to push you along and keep things in perspective. Do not underestimate your value and power to become the meaning...

Options

It's good to have options. Having options eliminates the reliance on a single outcome. When you are able to choose, you are also happier. I find it beautiful to know how many places I can travel, how many levels I can attain. It makes the world less obtrusive, and opens my mind to unlimited possibilities.

I dig living like the moments that come are in synch with who I am. I am not scared and no longer should I worry. It's been a few months since I have been concerned with anything in particular. I am glad the truth of God remains alive in my heart. I live to be blessed by the moments he gives me...so wonderful!

I am Life.

There are a lot of mistakes to recount. A lot of missteps to measure. Yet the great thing about life is that I don't have to dwell on anything. I can just be Marcelle. I don't have to worry, cause God got me. Everything he puts in my path is specifically meant for my spiritual advancement. So I no longer have to be the ghost of my true self: life and I are one.

In my next book I will be able to go into detail about all of this. I will be able to expound upon the poetry and deliver an understanding of what I am: positively and negatively. I will note how the ego is prevalent in much of what we all do and say...but it will not be the theme of the book. The theme is growth and awareness and advancement despite of the challenges we face and the way we grew up. Despite our environment or our belief system.

Read up on the book, "A New Earth". It should open a lot of eyes and help change lives. It helped me see a broader spectrum, and the truth behind my actions.

Write It!

I once thought the world was something it is most certainly not. I once had dreams, visions of what life could be- fantasies fed by the over bearing media sculpted illusion. A quixotic menagerie of exceptional lives that became my ideal. I should be ashamed to say it, but I own up to my ignorance. My life is nothing if not my own; I must carve out my own niche, and not be infatuated by the shine of one alien to me.

Why is it that we envy? Do we even understand that many folks who live these ideal lives are all surface for our understanding. We know nothing of the poor innerworkings that shake their foundations, much like our own.

My second book is ready. It's been ready. Seems like I have been waiting for the right time to present it. That time is now. Maybe it will finally allow me to be the individual I hunger to be, and the being God needs me to be. Somehow, that is probably wrong. I am already the man I need to be. I am Marcelle. I am Marcelle's life. Life and Marcelle are the same.

Surreality

It gets more surreal everyday. Sometimes I dream of these beautiful works of art that exhibit profound imagery and a hint of psychosis...like Dali's comic book. I see these pics sometimes, like advertisements of Anime and posters with figures shaped with solid black lines and flourescent colors. Makes me want to draw and rediscover the world that I left behind in art school. It grabs me each time, this vision, and refuses to let go.

Work cripples me. Wish I could just draw and write and be worry free. Guess that's a bit too far from this present state of darkness...

Hilary Supporters Don't Want a Black President

Seems that good ol' McCain has chosen a female running mate from Alaska. Now, one thing concerns me about his choice, and that is the fact of this woman being such a newbie, such an ultra-conservative political counterpart makes it seem as if he is a hypocrite.
Republicans have spent so much time blasting Obama for being so green, that I believe it all to be just a ploy, and nothing that speaks of real merit at all. If he built his argument against Obama around his experience, he will have to rethink his strategy when this 44 year-old mother of five comes into the fray.

These good ol' boys of the GOP seem to be in a tizzy on this choice. It was definitely a gamble for McCain, but will likely solidify his chances at the presidency since less than 50% of Hilary Clinton's supporters have said that they will support Obama. And what is the reason for that? Is it due to the issues that Obama addressed? Is it because he is inexperienced. Doubt that, kids. I think that racism has reared its head as sure as the sun burns bright. It is the only thing that I can think of that actually makes since. Those Hilary supporters just don't want a black man in the White House.

And its evident. Point. Blank. Period. These fools don't wanna see this black man win the presidency.

The Mind is Maya

"Not that it matters, but...yes."

What is the true reality of who we are? Are we each just the struggles that we are permitted to surmount? Are we the experiences that swell and swarm about us? Are we the days that fly past, so harsh and wonderful in their unyielding fortitude?

Maybe we are the ghosts of our real selves, perpetuating the cycle of inane choices are futile efforts to fill a hole that is bottomless. In all likelihood, I will never be enlightened. Just yesterday I spoke to my mother about getting colored contact lenses and braces. I told her that I recognized my ego at the forefront of these choices. I understand that the "real" Marcelle should have neither wants or needs. He should not care what someone thinks of his clothing, or about the car he doesn't have. He should only care about his link with God Almighty. But it is never that simple is it?

The Ego is an awesome thing. It is like a vast veil that covers the hidden secret of our spirit and the divine beauty of the world. It is a beast that we feed daily, hoping to quell its scream, to silence all needs so that we may feel at ease with who and what we are. Nothing is that simple though. Even to find the real you, it will take excessive faith and patience.

When you are out shopping next time, and you see those new Jordans or some nice outfit or even food, ask yourself "Do I really need this?"

Not that it matters, but I hope you all see through the mist that so thoroughly blinds us all.

What!?

Man, these posts are getting fewer. What's ready for the shelf right now is the attitude against progress. Gotta roll that one up, pa. Feel like drawing a lot. Been having visions of new works, new posibilities to create...working on posterboard!

I want to get to a point where I am doing one post a day consistently. Hell, cats need to be accountable for their lives, ya heard? Looking down the road, man, I wanna be runnin' my own business, have my own dough, and live a life with a person that doesn't get on my damn nerves.

I am completely free of nonsense now. I am just kickin' back and trying to stay tuned into God's plan for me. It's drastically hard, and I wanna yell "What!?" as loud as I can everyday. Just once. Everyday.

These Bastards...

Surely you jest, insisting my own perception is flawed, when you dabble in forecasting the changes in lives of others...you have possibly lost your mind, pseudo-intellectual fool, fancying your theological degree like a rare gem, when it is nothing but coal in a Christmas stocking. Bastard you, your lofty idealism is laughable, toting a Bible underarm and hypocritical concepts of life and love. People like you make me wanna puke up my own moral fortitude and give it to you in a cup so you can taste the difference.

You bastards, abandon a man at his lowest point, choosing sides like pain is not universal, like sorrow is not heart felt. I would have to be honest and say you sicken me. All of you, false friends that didn't even care what I was going through, but you were there for your girl. I commend you for being true to your nature.

Fulfillment

No difficulties here. Heh. I'm tripping, right now, sitting in a library about 8 stories up, thinking that the world is a much larger place than previously speculated. As of late, I have been posing questions to myself, wondering if I died today, would I feel complete? Would I be fulfilled?

Quickly, the question becomes, "Am I fulfilled?" Do I feel as if I have accomplished all that I set out to? Emphatically, no. Yet, I have striven for change and purpose and love and God, and I have found them all.

It is a wonder that some people commit suicide contemplating this life. It is sometimes a bit much to bear. Sometimes we just cannot let go of the past. At times, we feel we have no other choice. As the Good Book notes, it is a sin to kill anyone, even yourself, and you will pay for it in the fires of Hell. I don't take the Bible as literally as some folks, because it just wouldn't make sense to see it that way, but Hell could be something we have never thought of, something our feeble human minds cannot grasp.

The world is a much larger place that previously mentioned. I find myself at ease with seeing it all shine so bright in one moment, and be depressingly stark in others. It is the good and the bad, the give and the take, which balances this universe fully. One would be insignificant without the other. Best believe it.