To Anthony (a letter)

Dear lil' bro, I feel you man. I know it's hard when you love someone and you have to let it go. Through no fault of your own, she decided to leave, and it's okay kid. It's always darkest just before dawn, they say.

We are very gifted, all of us. The three of us will do such great things, that we must be prepared to find those people that will make us better. People are in our lives for a reason or a season. Find the reason and thank God for the blessing.

There is so much I wish I could talk to you about in person. When I look at you and Antoine it makes me recall my own childhood, it makes me happy to see myself in you both. Strong. Confident. Handsome. Talented. Full of potential.

I miss you man, and one day I will sit down and talk to you about my college days, my hopes, my fears. This is all here for you to read. Be encouraged dear brother. We are bonded.

Love you.

All the best.
Big Bro

Reparations?

Damn. Went to work and ya boy is actually off...so for this not to be a loss, I gotta hit the gym hard.

Yesterday I was at work and I spotted these 2 black dudes sitting in a black explorer. The cat on the passenger side was looking dead at me so a gave him the nod and went about my business. 2 minutes later I came back and they were still there, but this time the dude beckoned to me, "Hey bruh, can I ask you a question?" I said, "Yeah, kid, what's up?"

He was like, "Man, do you think American owes Black folks anything?" Easy enough question for me to answer. "Hell yeah", said I. "The thing is, how we gonna collect? What can we do about it?"

The dudes proceeded to give each other dap, laughing in agreement. "Hell yeah, man. We wit you on that. We gone take it. We gone take it back." There was seriousness in his tone, and for a second, I was alarmed by it. Take it back how?

My boy Gene works with me, and this dude is from Liberia. He was walking out just as I was finishing the conversation, and they asked me to ask him to come over. Later I asked him what he said to the question, and he said "I told them they owe Black people more than they could pay."

Damn. That's real. And that's coming from a dude who was born in Africa.

A Man Apart

I feel free now, and I believe it a true statement when I say I don't want to be with her anymore. Thinking on it as often as I have, it's better this way. Mainly because I am just so much healthier and in control than I've felt in so long. Even though I am a bit weirded out by the feeling of alienation that I receive from the people I met through her, I know we can never be. It really is over, and for a while I fought to maintain something, a piece of what we had, but to no avail. In my mind, I don't think what I did constituted such a reaction from her, but I am not her, and I don't have the right to say anything about her feelings. In the release, I feel awesome, and I can only remark about my own situation. I know God is more important, and self is more important. So I hope that in whatever struggles she endures, whomever she meets, may they treat her well. But there is no more for me to say or do. I am spent, and all I can do is walk away. I broke her heart, and I take the responsibility and I will own it forever.

Remember that Ralph Tresvant song "Break Her Heart" or "Do What I Gotta Do"? Whatever it's called, it sums up the whole thing for me...the whole breakup. "I gotta do what I gotta do and break her heart, cause though I love the girl I know that the best thing is for us to be apart...".

Goodbye Christie. My love is with you always. God bless.

This is all I have and all I will ever say about this subject to anyone. It is dead to me. Don't ask me, don't tell me, I don't wanna hear anything anymore related to the subject.

The Watcher, III or Falls the King

Some say the world will move on. Yet, what would it move on to?
Watching, cataloging ambitious jests
and surly men crouching like hungry beasts
to feed, to fulfill, to breed
and follow the irony in the culmination of experience.
They are slaves.
Rambling, haggard slaves chained to their past, linked to nothing.

And the world will move on
The shameless, boastful world of many proud men
sinful braggarts that breathe dust,
washing their hands in watery rust
There is no cleansing. There is no surgical procedure that will mend.
But you and I, you and I will meet at the end.
In the end we are slaves, carrying our chains and hanging our heads.

A watcher, watching a once hopeful now full of futility,
perished memory sliding through the slits in a soul
trickling down reminding, rewinding a mind that imploded
trusting trinkets and shiny rocks and forgetting that Death
should be held close. Life is the Enemy.
They hold on too much, hanging heads and singing hymns
heaping their trust in God when they can't trust themselves.

Where does it begin to topple? He muses majesty and
believes in power, so the mind grasps the esoteric,
puffed up like a pillow on manly deeds that profess
kingship. The king becomes the pawn, and the pawn falls
like the rest.
Falls the king.
Following a dream.
Founding a lie.

Jesse Jackson

For I said I would live my life for the Lord, and I know I skirt the lines sometimes, for righteous is narrow, and sin is wide, most times I'm playing outside the lines.

These days it ain't easy to see the truth, when it's shrouded in mystery. I can't say that I even know what it all means, or if it is supposed to mean a thing, but I call on a higher power.

I try to live like I should, and I know that I have made plenty of living like I shouldn't. This is a good time to reflect on what I do have. My fortune, and my failure, sides of the same coin, both revealed to bring a bit of strength to the soul. It's good to see it as it is and I am not going to be criticized or ridiculed for believing that I am somebody, like that man Jesse Jackson. Believing that I am something, someone, larger than my life. I serve a greater power, and that makes my ambition greater still.

Today was tiring, and now I just wanna kick back and read.
I think I wanna finish this book now...I believe I have a whole lot to talk about.

The Watcher, Deuce.

Watching the days like a maze, twisting at 90 degree angles, sharply changing my outlook and preparing me to prepare for adaptation, makes it hard to get used to being anything anyone wants, when I want someone to understand the real me. I watch it happen, standing on the outskirts of self, surveying the soul-landscape and I am unsure but thankful and proud and happy. I am the ghost of my true-self. I am the harbinger of unfortunate beauty. I am the height of the stars and the width of the cosmos.

I hold the essence of what it is to be: I am my own worst enemy.

Watching carefully, the charismatic political vampires perched, admiring the ignorance of the masses with mirth, my shadow falls on that which is cursed: a mind not aware of its worth.

Sell to me your backwashed gossip, stench-ridden lies propped on leaning tables like art. You would hang it on a wall, a diseased plaque looking like a mirror for the world's wasted youth, a haggard beast of a man with one tooth.

Watch this fall away, knowledge, the Lord says it will decay from minds first, so recall no riddles till laughter bursts, keep your hands in your own pocket and out of her purse.

I hold the essence of what can be known: your body is a shell and you are alone.

Watching what you will spin, your regrets, your mistakes that seethe again, reminding you that you should not be reminded and let the past be the end.

I am the Watcher.

Random Stuff

While the world is sleeping, Marcelle is still awake...

Caught the head of the world, the world on my shoulders
holding up the corners while y'all hearts grow colder
I'm a rover, of land, sea and air and all cities
committed to legit entreaties for your pity...

Nawl...ain't got it right now, but I'll save some for later. Been kinda off kilter these past few days. God tellin' ya boy remain patient, and for goodness sake, TRUST in HIM! I do, but sometimes it's so doggone hard to get a hold. Fightin' the devil everyday is something I was built for...I must win. I'm gettin' the feeling that the demons that chase me chase us all, and I'm not any different than anyone else, ya know? It's so cool that I can't think of anything that would make me happier than to walk around with the knowledge in my head that "we are our own worst enemies". That's some food for your noggin right there. You are what's holding you back...feel me?

I had a real bad night last night, but I made up for it today...ahhh, birthday parties. Gotta love them joints.

What Lies Beneath...

"You're just like a monkey...like a monkey with a cell phone you have no idea what's right in front of you."
- Dr. Sjit, Sudden Gravity: A Tale of the Panopticon

I wonder what folks think of me when they first meet me. I wonder if I am at all the type to leave a lasting impression. Do people think I am memorable? Or could I be forgotten just as easily as a morning piss?

The people you meet, they are much more than that surface meeting. I have become increasingly interested in what lies beneath all of that. What lives do they lead? What dreams do they hold? Are they much different than I?

I've met a few people lately that hold similar ideas and have like beliefs, even folks that listen to the same music as I do, which is crazy rare. I watch, and I learn people. I like to see if I can understand what they may be going through. Once again this is speculation, but with all I have been through, I know people have so much more interesting history behind the initial handshake.

I am much more than meets my surface, and that's why I have longed to understand who I am to the fullest extent. How can I say that I am Marcelle Ward, if I can't pierce the veil of fear that holds us all back from becoming? I have said it once before, but I am the man I am supposed to be right now. I will become even greater in the future.


Do people look at me the same way, wondering what lies behind the shirt and tie? Can they even fathom what is right in front of them?

Or would most rather not think of it at all, closing their minds to the possibility of something beyond their own shallow lives?



The mind is the sword. Wield it as a weapon, protect it and keep it sacred.

10 Truths to Living Well

This is the essence of what I have learned these last two months. God is good, and I am grateful.


1. Loving myself despite myself.
2. Being ok with the uncertainties of the future.
3. To not be preoccupied with what I have not done or accomplished.
4. To believe in myself.
5. Honor God above all things.
6. I will never have it "all figured out".
7. Create a foundation for family.
8. Give back and make it part of your life.
9. Use your gifts and talents to glorify God.
10. Treat others as you would treat yourself.


God is speaking to you right now...take the cotton out ya ear.

The Watcher

The Seattle night speaks to me in cryptic code, a language old, and I understand then the dark streets that move with spastic rhythm, oddly reflecting the motley assortment of people living therein, the pushers, the pan-handlers, the druggies, the club-hoppers, the drunks, the various pedestrian/vagrant ingredients all lumped together like southern mashed potatoes, looking for their own one-way dream road to the magnificence of living, hoping to be loved.

I am the not the night stalker, but an observer- the watcher, seeing the thoughts of the day manifested in the realm where most wear masks, hiding the shadows they cast by day, the images I see are only the projections, so when we touch, we don't touch each other, we are grasping at air, fingers caressing dusty nothingness with an eager flair. When we speak, we don't speak to each other, but convey intelligible wordplay to apparition avatars that fade when the buzz is killed.

A language old, the hidden, vintage vagabonds breathing guilt into guiltless interaction taking time to steal reality and leave lies in their place. There is care and there is grace in the movement, and I watch them dance their hearts away hearing the false shift in the sway of their hips. I suppose we, all, are looking, hoping, to cultivate honesty from a garden of fearful subterfuge. The night is a menagerie, an elegant mess that has a broken twinkle, an image that glows in the night but fades with the rising of the sun.

Here I am, wanting to holler for the truth that is in my face, quietly reaching for an answer I can't place. Could I be running after something I'm not supposed to chase?

I am the watcher, a son of none here, eager to see the beauty in all, facing the night to understand the day.

To be continued...

The 4th and the 5th Day

Block parties. Fireworks. New friends. Man, it was a good time had all 'round. My buddy Eric from work let me chill out his barbecue with some of his pals. Met a lot of folks into the same music I am, folks that even know about cats like MF DOOM and The Cunninglynguists. I was really excited to know that people even knew about the music I like and related. Hell, Eric knows every group I listen to and more. I have always wanted to share that aspect of myself with others. That's cool ish right there, dig?

Fireworks were off the heezy, and we got a chance to see it right from the top of a houseboat near the launch barge (or whatever). It was like a front row seat. They were spectacular this year, and I recalled The Fair St. Louis from my childhood. Amazing the wondrous things I have seen in 31 years. So much beauty in the world...I hope to see much more.

It is my birthday, and I just wanna thank God for another glorious year. Regardless of what happens, I'm tight. I'm steadily growing and becoming. Never burdened by my past, I was more concerned about the future and present. I had no quarrels with anyone...no grudges. Now I am the catalyst for change and my future is in my hands. My present state is magnificent. Becoming who God wants me to be. "Be" is future tense. But "I am" is the present. "I am" who God wants me to be right now, but I will "be" even greater later on. We are always becoming. The process does not stop until death.

I am Marcelle Ward and my mind is the sword.

...It's Where Ya @

"In my mind is the place where I make my plans,
In the world is the place I take my stand
The beauty of life is mine today
They cannot take my mind away."
-dead prez

I love that quote, and I felt it befitting for today. God is exceptional and a great architect, and he has made the world so beautiful that it is sometimes too much to bear. I used to think about how ugly things were where I am from, but there is beauty to be found wherever you go. You can allow your mind to roam free and permit all the troubles to fall away.

They say "it ain't where ya from, it's where ya at." True, for we must make the best of our situations in order to have the best lives possible. I continue to make strides in my life toward my goals. When I finally get to Vancouver, I hope to have a handle on it all. But I am here now, and I must make it all work for the better.

Today was gorgeous. I took a walk around the waterfront and downtown, just absorbing the goodness of God's grace. I am blessed, and I am highly favored. There are some pics for you to enjoy, contemplate, etc.

God bless.

Ch ch ch changes!

Looks like i'm gonna have to move the cocktail party to next week, July 11th. Better for most folks cause they can make it then versus the 4th.

It's a nice day today. Been footin' it around Seattle, kinda alone in my thoughts. These days make for a lot of introspection and meditation. Hit up the library earlier and then caught a matinee for Hancock. Pretty straight movie but really short. Bout to hit up this gym next. I'm down to about 227 lbs. now. Got 20 more or so to go...

A fine day for communing with the Lord.

God is speaking to you right now...take the cotton out ya ear.

The Pages of Days

The obscurities of the day drive the pages, fuel the manuscript for a life of soul searching and intellectual curiosity. There are pieces gone, missing pieces, in a car, in a home, remaining lost and cannot be put together regardless of intent. Even intending to be more is a translation that fades as indecision and inaction work their way through the veins of our lives.

The pages in the manuscript turn, and words invite the reader in and he is welcome past any particular nuance or grammatical error: the feeling is all. Yet, where can we draw the line between what we feel and what is real? How can this play out in an unsuspecting mind, used to : MTV and new seasons of The Bachelor. We are running towards decay, where the tomb awaits a speedy decline...

A regular man, doin' regular things. Keep it regular.

The Inner Image

I gave myself over to meditation today, just to take the edge off of a seemingly endless barrage of work over the past few days. Tired and hot and sweaty...but I shouldn't complain, cuz it was 50 degrees outside just 3 weeks ago.

When meditating today I focused on my inner image and what I would like to become when the process is complete. I have to reconnect and focus all my energy so that I can rearrange the physical and align it with my mental...again.

This has been done before, but I don't think that I had the same wisdom I do now...well, of course I didn't.

In thinking on how I should be eating, how much, what, as well as when, I have come to a solution. I will, at all costs, get back down to my ideal weight of 205. It's gonna take some time, but it will be done. I have already seen it...and I believe it. Victory is all in the mind. And the mind is the sword, my friends.

Get a chance, take a look at my new blog I am working on with my friends, called "Ministry of Seven: Elements of God". Just a collaboration I feel is long overdue. A meeting of the minds.

Wanted

I watched the movie "Wanted" last night and it left me in sort of a daze. It was an interesting movie cause it really made you think about how you really live life: as a sheep, doing things as you are told, just to get by or as a wolf, taking control of your own destiny.

The antagonist was asked repeatedly "Why are you here?", and uncertain answers got a well placed ass kicking. He finally answered, "Because I don't know who I am." interestingly enough, there are not enough of us who question who we really are.

Are we all making the best of what we have, are do we blow it all on mediocrity? I believe that the world is a lot more exclusive than otherwise assumed, because so few reach their full potential. I refuse, though. I refuse to be anything less than the greatest of men, the best of all I muster. I will not cower, and I will not tarry.

We all find the path, but who will follow it to its end?

God be praised.


Marcelle Ward

A Wonderful War

One would think it could be the change that makes a difference, but changes don't discern the connection with the Almighty. Peep game...


I walked roads long, dirt and dust catching in the fibers of my shoestrings, meaning to find a piece of me that had never been lost.

I changed how I began, thought about the end, doubled back on my tracks and turned around again.

I woke my spirit and questioned His Name, I fought a war within without knowing the feeling of shame.

I am the loss, I am the gain, I am the sun, I am the rain.

I walked before I became, behind the age of my mind I found the past and present the same, two sides, two planes, one goal, one game.

I am a stranger that could not recall his name, asking other men what he should already know. The blind warrior wandering. A fine man wondering. A design for a wonderful war in man.

I Never Win Anything, but...

Man. What an interestingly beautiful day. Wish I had taken some pictures! I went to this awesome restaurant called Ray's Boat House right on the waterfront in Ballard. Spectacular view! Everyone must go at least once if you live out here. Especially in the summer. Gorgeous.

I got a call from a girl named Amber from the Last Supper Club. Seems that she wanted to let me know that I had won a free cocktail party! What's even more awesome is she let me select the date I wanted to have it, and I chose next Friday, the day before my 31st birthday. I'm gonna try and invite as many folks as possible. Got some VIP going on, unlimited guests, no cover, special request songs...man, it's gonna be cool. First time ever having a party at a venue or club or anything similar.

Can't wait. I sent out a list to folks so they can come hang out. Should be a smashing good time.

The Last Supper Club
July 4th, 8:30pm, start. Gotta get there before 8:30pm to get in free, chumps!
It's in Pioneer Square, Seattle.

The Bright Things

"And that was how Kazamatsuri went out of my life. No trace of anger, no resentment, did he let show on his face. As I prayed for him, I felt something greater watching over me from above. When a man abandons ego and obstinacy, he can accept the gods and learn how to truly love. It took me a long time to learn that essential truth. The most important thing is to give your all until the very last."
- Samurai Fiction

You can replace "gods" with "God". I just wanted to place the direct quote there. The meaning is there, and that really is what is most important. Time and time again I catch these phrases from different sources and they lend a little wisdom in times of great need. I am glad I pay attention, because I would be much worse off.

I am positive and grateful for the wondrous many things that the Lord exposes me too. Knowing that the human spirit is both evil and good, we must put ourselves in the way of the positive and bright things within our lives, so that we may not succumb to the devil's trap.

I wish you all well. God be thanked!

Therapy, Part...Fin?

Half-way through the year, the Cancer entry for Free-Will Astrology in the week of June 19th, reads: “…I’m hoping you’ll look back six months from now and make the following declaration: This year I discovered everything that’s important to know about what I don’t need and who I don’t want to be. That’s one of the important reasons why (hallelujah!) I’ve learned to avoid the suffering that comes from wishing my life were different from how it actually is. I’m more at peace with my soul’s idiosyncratic destiny than I’ve ever been.” This sums up the lessons I have received succinctly. I could not have said it better.

I have had five therapy sessions, and really, I felt I was done when I finished my third. I have come to understand things now in a way that I cannot say I would have if all this had not occurred. I am fortunate now to know that I cannot change anything about anyone and I will fail at feeling sorry for myself when my life has not taken on the appearance of those whom I admire. So what. My destiny is with God and only He knows what tomorrow holds. All I can do is embrace the fear that comes when uncertainty rears, and react accordingly.

It is fair to say that I am doing exceptionally well, so much in fact that I haven’t felt this much peace is months. The doc says that we can cut back on the sessions, but I may discontinue them altogether. God has been with me all this time, and I have learned to rely on Him for guidance. I have sought patience, and He gives me plenty opportunity to exercise patience in my life. With customers, acquaintances, family members and others. I am glad that my life is all that it is, and I will not question God’s design. He has deemed me fit to be the Captain of my soul, and I accept the title with honor and dignity.

In the next six months I will continue to catalog my experiences and follow along with my life in a manner congruent with God’s own plan. I will trust Him and have patience. I will honor myself and others as well. I will grow within the Body of Christ and continue towards an admirable goal. I will become the man I need to be. Thank God for that.