Who I Am

Cogito. Ergo. Sum.

For I am who I am; my name is my name. I tire of these things, these games I play. I find myself traveling further from who I am. I cannot hide anymore. Where can one run to get away from himself?

Tomorrow begins a new work. A new day where I look forward to building upon the foundation that God gave me. One that is my birthright, and has been passed on through my family.

The artist, I am. The artist I will become. I will find a way.

The Alchemist

I am always on the cusp of an answer; always looming over a clue to my next move. I am playing charades with my soul, I would say, fumbling over some gestures that only amount to more guesswork. Seems a bit insane, my unabashed references to my own mental knife fights, flipping through the pages of my dreams like they are comic books hoping to uncover the villain. But I already know the answer to this: I am the villain. Yet, I play hero as well. This is a conundrum that we all attempt to decipher, but some of us are no closer to a solution the day that we die than we were when or if we realized it.

I read The Alchemist yesterday. It is astounding what Coehlo accomplished in such bare, innocent prose. I found myself captivated by each word, drawn to the protagonist in such a hauntingly explicit way that I might have been him, which is probably what the author intended. The boy Santiago, finds himself following the advice of the great king Melchizedek, who tells him to seek his own “Personal Legend”. Santiago develops a sense about his life, following his heart by recognizing the signs that God places along his path. Though he is distracted and disheartened in some events, Santiago always finds himself facing his destiny: he can’t deny it and he can’t walk away. It is inexplicable in such a plain manner that the boy Santiago realizes that he is part of all and all is part of him. In the end, he says that everything is everything else because we originate from one source: The Hand Who Wrote It All.

I find myself in tears many times reading the book, just because it reminded me of something I knew already: I must follow the dreams that I have in my heart. Regardless of anything else, I must walk my path and create for myself the legend that belongs only to me. Essentially, Coehlo is saying we all have our choices to make in our lives, but those choices should reflect what is in our hearts, because we only have the dreams we set in our minds. This reminded me a lot of The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge. In much the same way Don Juan instructs the author to “follow the path of his heart”.

These teachings, these words, echo throughout my soul, instructing me to follow my heart, and I am elated. Each time I think of them I feel God surging through me, rushing through my heart and mind and soul like a roaring river, and I am overflowed. There is a bounty of joy to be had as long as we keep following our dreams. As Coehlo put it, when we want something, the whole universe conspires to help us achieve it. He called it, “beginner’s luck”. However, I never believed in luck. Even though the word is used by me, I have faith in my Creator and his blessings. Since I know of Jesus and his love, I worry not about being lucky.

Read the book. It may change your life.

Create

I said I’d give myself a change to be happy, to fix my eyes on jubilant skies of blue and bear witness to the reflection in my eyes gazing on the unknown and new. So I cried a lifetime of cries that lasted an instant, tears heavy, rolling down my face like ball bearings. I’m waiting for a sign. Waiting for a time. Waiting for the “intelligent design”. Restructure. Re: Define.

I said I’d give myself that chance and so I will. I see the power that I wield. A power to create, to build worlds with words and sculpt dreams through brushstrokes. My skill is evident and must be nurtured, so I insist on writing to gain purpose. God insists that I write to glorify him, so I am to do both, praise Him in victory and defeat; hold Him close. Chronicle my days by writing the notes.

The true power is in the freedom to create. The brilliant light that language can generate by placing words and phrases in various ways, brings joy to my face. I cannot tell you how unhappy I have been as of late, but I can tell you that these words are my only escape. And I ask God for guidance, for answers I anticipate, and in seeking His glory I find my fate. I am bound. I am charged. I am destined to create.

Therapy, Part...Fin?

Half-way through the year, the Cancer entry for Free-Will Astrology in the week of June 19th, reads: “…I’m hoping you’ll look back six months from now and make the following declaration: This year I discovered everything that’s important to know about what I don’t need and who I don’t want to be. That’s one of the important reasons why (hallelujah!) I’ve learned to avoid the suffering that comes from wishing my life were different from how it actually is. I’m more at peace with my soul’s idiosyncratic destiny than I’ve ever been.” This sums up the lessons I have received succinctly. I could not have said it better.

I have had five therapy sessions, and really, I felt I was done when I finished my third. I have come to understand things now in a way that I cannot say I would have if all this had not occurred. I am fortunate now to know that I cannot change anything about anyone and I will fail at feeling sorry for myself when my life has not taken on the appearance of those whom I admire. So what. My destiny is with God and only He knows what tomorrow holds. All I can do is embrace the fear that comes when uncertainty rears, and react accordingly.

It is fair to say that I am doing exceptionally well, so much in fact that I haven’t felt this much peace is months. The doc says that we can cut back on the sessions, but I may discontinue them altogether. God has been with me all this time, and I have learned to rely on Him for guidance. I have sought patience, and He gives me plenty opportunity to exercise patience in my life. With customers, acquaintances, family members and others. I am glad that my life is all that it is, and I will not question God’s design. He has deemed me fit to be the Captain of my soul, and I accept the title with honor and dignity.

In the next six months I will continue to catalog my experiences and follow along with my life in a manner congruent with God’s own plan. I will trust Him and have patience. I will honor myself and others as well. I will grow within the Body of Christ and continue towards an admirable goal. I will become the man I need to be. Thank God for that.