Much Illumination

Starting over has been...challenging. Seems I've come full circle.

Much illumination comes with frustrating circumstances. When the lights are turned on, they often reveal things we aren't ready to see, things that we never even knew were there in the first place.  Surprises.

I shake my head at it.  Seems insurmountable sometimes.  Still, I do not lose heart.  Even as the doors are slammed in my face, I look for the lesson in it all.  I placed myself here, believing in what God can do when you rely and believe in Him.  Therefore, I have no choice but to trust in His plan and let him guide my steps.

My last interview was at NORC, the National Opinion Research Center.  I interviewed for one of their service desk positions.  They declined to offer me a job because I didn't have enough Active Directory experience.  Fair enough.  But it was a great interview, nonetheless.

God bless the downtrodden.

The Never Man: Recovery

Recovery is slow, and I burn through the days, so my eyes glisten bloodshot red

when I swallow the morning; I almost choke on the sun, needing to eat light

cause this darkness is keeping my arteries tight.

I took out a loan on time cause I never have enough left over
As it slips through my hands. I’m the Never Man, never could-never can.
I never juked right; I barely ran. I’m in recovery and it’s slow processing and second guessing, terminal outpatient raving and foolish, puerile cravings of a young man, aging. The years grant gifts of periodic joy, I wander and wonder why I play life so coy, why I’m shuffling my packaged feelings like an errand boy.

Recover. Repair. Under duress, my blessings are a semblance of sleepy-eyed gestures within spiritual haze. A hollow wish pulls an empty gaze, a blind rodent scurrying through a tattered maze. The abandoned home. The missing page. I’m the actor performing his show off-stage, the unheard soliloquy fueled with rage.

I wake up and grab my cup and choke down the sun. I want to feel it going down but my body’s too numb. The Never Man: never free, never done, never defeated but always unsung. Recovery is slow, but the madness is fun, and I burn through the nights just to choke down the sun. I learn through the days and the battles I have won. I burned through the age to the man I've become.

Therapy, Part...Fin?

Half-way through the year, the Cancer entry for Free-Will Astrology in the week of June 19th, reads: “…I’m hoping you’ll look back six months from now and make the following declaration: This year I discovered everything that’s important to know about what I don’t need and who I don’t want to be. That’s one of the important reasons why (hallelujah!) I’ve learned to avoid the suffering that comes from wishing my life were different from how it actually is. I’m more at peace with my soul’s idiosyncratic destiny than I’ve ever been.” This sums up the lessons I have received succinctly. I could not have said it better.

I have had five therapy sessions, and really, I felt I was done when I finished my third. I have come to understand things now in a way that I cannot say I would have if all this had not occurred. I am fortunate now to know that I cannot change anything about anyone and I will fail at feeling sorry for myself when my life has not taken on the appearance of those whom I admire. So what. My destiny is with God and only He knows what tomorrow holds. All I can do is embrace the fear that comes when uncertainty rears, and react accordingly.

It is fair to say that I am doing exceptionally well, so much in fact that I haven’t felt this much peace is months. The doc says that we can cut back on the sessions, but I may discontinue them altogether. God has been with me all this time, and I have learned to rely on Him for guidance. I have sought patience, and He gives me plenty opportunity to exercise patience in my life. With customers, acquaintances, family members and others. I am glad that my life is all that it is, and I will not question God’s design. He has deemed me fit to be the Captain of my soul, and I accept the title with honor and dignity.

In the next six months I will continue to catalog my experiences and follow along with my life in a manner congruent with God’s own plan. I will trust Him and have patience. I will honor myself and others as well. I will grow within the Body of Christ and continue towards an admirable goal. I will become the man I need to be. Thank God for that.