Writing again

I shudder to think of a life much less than I have or could, noting the great difficulty with which I gathered myself to this place. I'm horrible at finishing things that require great focus, or at least I was, and I feel as if my body can't hold it all together. It's as if I'm that old bear you had as a kid, tattered and dirty thing, tufts of cotton pouring out at torn seams, dreadfully misused but immensely loved. Ugh. Everything hurts.

Let me just say I have not yet withered into a heap. I'm not that pile of leaves in the back yard waiting to be bagged up and tossed with the yard waste. I'm still standing! I'm still strong. I believe in me and I'm working towards something better. Something epic. I need to create my legend. NEED. It will take so much work, but I'm no longer afraid.

I've been listening to different podcasts that are exemplary and basically have deified the genre for me, that I am singularly sold on the idea of writing. Podcasts like Psuedopod, Starship Sofa, Lightspeed, Nightmare Magazine and No Sleep are my mainstays. They've basically jump started my fascination with fiction once again. The hooks are in so good they've drawn blood. I'm excited.

I'm excited that I'm passionate about these stories in my head. I've also joined Critters.org in order to get some much needed feedback and critique on these burgeoning ideas. 

We'll see what the future holds. But if there's anything I've learned in the last few weeks, the future is mine to shape. It's all up to me. If I fail in this, it's my fault. Yet, who's to say that could be considered failure?

Who I Am

Cogito. Ergo. Sum.

For I am who I am; my name is my name. I tire of these things, these games I play. I find myself traveling further from who I am. I cannot hide anymore. Where can one run to get away from himself?

Tomorrow begins a new work. A new day where I look forward to building upon the foundation that God gave me. One that is my birthright, and has been passed on through my family.

The artist, I am. The artist I will become. I will find a way.

The Never Man: Burn

(They paused, jests were made, his head swayed, tilting toward hers like he wanted a way in. Just let him come in and show you how it could/would/should be, possibly thinking…well he’s unworthy to even grace her presence, but his dreams show their souls touching like lovers on the silver screen. Draped casually on her couch, he was still confined to the dismal misfortune of being the one that follows the one before, so his possessive instinct bloomed and wilted simultaneously.)

Strange colors danced before his eyes like flames, and he was hypnotized by the moment, his admiration unrestrained. She was one with the fire, an image of heat and light and fantastic form warping itself through all four dimensions.

He lost himself, tangled in a web of time, gaining his love, losing his mind. He loved her or hated her or both or none. The flame was a ballerina and her dance was not done; his eyes were transfixed and he began to succumb.

He thought she said, “The Never-Man, never did, never can, he will wish to hold that which escapes his hand.”

He laughed like it was the finest joke, she must be playing with the words she spoke. The fire had a smile on her face; a look of satisfaction that doubled for shame and disgrace. But was it aimed at him, or something she fought inside? Surely it was something she was trying to hide.

He might have asked, “Why do you taunt me with this passionate flame? Why me? Why do you play this game?”

She who danced and burned with light, her colors so vibrant that they pulsed and throbbed with life, looked as if she formed the words: “You ask why I taunt, why I play this game, but you sit and watch and feed my flame? The Never-Man, never did, never can, thinks that dirt will not settle when he crosses the sands…”
At that he thought twice. “How could it be? To sit here and love her is all on me? A man with full vision but too blind to see, how I perceive and react is all on me.”

The Never-Man, who never cried, never ran, rose from the couch attempting to stand. The fire seemed brighter and her dance was insane, he could feel her heat growing but her rhythm had changed. He stood there for a moment, and she began to slow down, easing her tempo, quelling the sound. It was magic he dreamt or a vision he touched, either or both, it was too much. When she stopped his eyes met the flames in her own and they reached out to one another because they were both so alone. The Never-Man, never could understand as he put his hands in hers there was no burn to withstand. But the flames, the flames were like the sun as they embraced. They both burned bright as they danced with desire in that place. They burned through their lives in a fiery embrace.

The Stars, Your Voice

What I love about life is that it is so full of surprises. I could never guess what would happen to me next. I think that's much of the joy that we seem to take for granted. I believe that if we stop to see just how much we should be thankful for, the world be a happier place. Yet we heap misery upon one another, stacking pain like cinder blocks. And when Love comes unannounced as it is accustomed to, will we be buried too deep in the pain to reach out welcome it in?


And the stars look like diamonds glittering in the heavens
my eyes glowing gratefully caught
staring at many dreams, the wishes of my brethren
keepsakes knowing for what they were bought

And now I spend a fortune on you and your smile making
emptying my pockets in earnest mirth
giving it all; it's all there for the taking
my gratitude, my adoration's worth

Going toward love is possibly a fool's errand performed
whilst silly songs play steadily on
It is a dangerous occupation as I was warned
My mind slips and is readily gone

Yet for you, for you, for you I would remain lost
little by some chance gather pity
them throwing their change for me to regain cost
I am centered in your treasured city.

And a voice sounds like chimes ringing in the heavens
my ears knowing, graciously sought
against many lies, clouded and irreverent
that Reason, Love, and what you taught.