Much Illumination

Starting over has been...challenging. Seems I've come full circle.

Much illumination comes with frustrating circumstances. When the lights are turned on, they often reveal things we aren't ready to see, things that we never even knew were there in the first place.  Surprises.

I shake my head at it.  Seems insurmountable sometimes.  Still, I do not lose heart.  Even as the doors are slammed in my face, I look for the lesson in it all.  I placed myself here, believing in what God can do when you rely and believe in Him.  Therefore, I have no choice but to trust in His plan and let him guide my steps.

My last interview was at NORC, the National Opinion Research Center.  I interviewed for one of their service desk positions.  They declined to offer me a job because I didn't have enough Active Directory experience.  Fair enough.  But it was a great interview, nonetheless.

God bless the downtrodden.

What You Feel vs. What's Real

My dog Antonio. I called him today to tell him about what I have been feeling and how much stress I've been in, and he lifted my spirits. First, he let me know that what you feel, all those emotions that we have about our positions and our success is all feeling and false. But the reality is that we have come further than we can give ourselves credit. Often we get the two confused, and our feelings betray us. Peep game on some examples-

Feeling: I don't have the type of job I need.
Reality: I have a job. I have an advanced degree. I came from nothing to something.

Feeling: I haven't accomplished as much as others my age.
Reality: I traveled to a place where I knew no one, and made a life for myself.

Feeling: I failed at so much.
Reality: I wrote a book. I made it out of the ghetto.

These type of thoughts are what I had fallen victim to. This is the voice of the devil, robbing me of my joy at every turn. I had already been told I had the victory, just because I am out here doing this all by myself. Who can say that they have done as much as I have? Not many at all. Matter of fact, there are people in my hometown struggling to do things that I have found easy. I was blessed by God, ordained to be a magnificent man of genius and moral fiber. Yet, I am not excluded from temptation and evil. We all fall short of the glory of God, my friends. We are all sinners. So I had begun to think that I had failed at my life, and was stressed about being able to give something of substance to someone else.


"I don't really feel what you've failed at," Antonio asked. "What have you failed at? Can you answer that...?" Antonio was adamant. I couldn't really answer. Only thing I could come up with is that maybe I feel afraid that I will fail. Or that I am afraid of being successful. Either way, they are both wrong and false images. One thing I didn't fail at was getting someone to love me, and loving them back. I didn't fail at getting these degrees. I am a success.

"Everybody I know is at a different place than they wanna be. Everybody feel like somebody at a better place than they are." Antonio speaks like some sort of saint at times. He often just says the right thing as if he's known it all along and you're too silly to have seen it. It's almost like matter-of-fact. I admire that about him. He told me he admires the fact that I set goals for myself and make them. He reminded me of years ago when he visited me at home and he saw all of the written goals on my wall, particularly the one about "Go Back to School!" Hell, I had nearly forgotten that.

I told him that I appreciated his help and kind words, and he said. "No problem man. We all need it at times. I'll probably be calling you tomorrow." He laughed at that because we have been known to help one another constantly, as friends should. It's to be expected.

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good. Recall your own feelings about any situation and remember the lesson I have learned: feelings/emotions will always betray you, but reality will never fail. Reality is concrete and definite, but emotions will fade at times. You have the opportunity to know the difference between the two and make the best choice for yourself.